i should be sleeping right now. all signs point to that fact. the fatigue, for one. i am so tired that i no longer feel tired. the endorphins helped with that for the first week and a half...but now i am starting to feel it. my body has allowed the sensations to pass through full force. the amazing shrinking uterus has shrunk. the milk has come in, engorgement subsided, nipples healed. birth processing is in full gear...emotions are full and high. i have visited the challenges and magical moments with full awareness and now i am ready to begin to allow the lessons to wash over the breath of my being. my body is remembering cracking wide open, and then not remembering...and then letting it all be what it is. i have a placenta in the freezer...waiting to be made to medicine. i have two hands and three children. three children. three. children.

these little humans who are so brave and bold and completely raw and real. these souls who have trusted me in their care. it is amazing what feeling the unmistakeable power of birth can do to one person. it can bring you right back into your truth in a sneaker wave, with the lingering bits of swallowed energy pulsing through your veins...through your story. that kind of power only comes around once in a while, for me. the power of creation...of merging with Creation...of allowing oneself to bring it all forward.

so, instead of sleeping, i am thinking about all of this. and i swear this little boy whispers to me as his eyes drift closed and his breathing speeds up and slows down and his milky breath heats my neck. he whispers "go write, mama. go write your truth.". and i have been listening, but finding the "time" isn't an easy task these days. and so i wait. and normally i fall asleep as soon at the first sign of a "break", because really...nighttime is just a series of rounds and it doesn't feel much different than the day right now. and so i write. because he whispered...and because i listen.

the birth story sits in the most sacred places of my soul. it waits to be written. it's power and potency still stirring so much within...still keeping me in awe and inviting me in for the warmth of what it means to trust. and then there is his name...which i happen to think he chose, because it is literally the ONLY name that his daddy and i could agree on. he chose it only hours before his birth, and then we sat with his name on our tongues and i sang it out into song over him while i cradled and rocked and finally it sat deep into settling comfort within. more on his name later...

he was two weeks on sunday. two weeks. which is funny because i look at him and feel like i have known him my entire life, how could he only be two weeks old? and then suddenly i realize it has been two weeks. two weeks!!! stop that. stop the rush. stop the growth. let me just marinate in your tiny limbs and grunting and steady gaze forever. i am so in love with this child. so much so that i do try to stare at him forever and then i realize that his diapers need to be washed. the pets need to be fed. my children need attention. oh my! how they need attention. adjustment doesn't feel like the right word. i don't have the words. i don't have any words when the boundaries are pushed right out the door and all these sass-spewed words keep reaching my ears. and then, there is the fighting.

that is when i let the kites get flown inside the house. and we eat brownies for breakfast. and she can change her clothes three million times for all i care...as long as she is happy. :)

what i really want to know is what this potency is all about. the potency of coming so deeply into my own power that nothing feels adequate right now. my heart was spilled out all over the place, and now all i want is love of that variety. that potent, impossible variety. i want to stretch deeper and further into love. through practice. through parenting. through loving and holding space even when his parenting can sometimes feel so different than mine. even when it gets heavy. how does that work?

how do i teach love? how do i sink deeper into it?

and why does it have anything to do with wanting to say yes to those two chickens even though the county says it isn't legal to have chickens in my backyard? what does it have to do with cloth diapers, clothes lines, local food and fresh vegetables? why is my mind full to bursting with desires to re-start our compost pile and host some worms and dream up a really fantastic spring garden? seriously. my mind is wandering all over the place. and i like it. i don't want to silence my radical nature to any degree anymore. it just doesn't feel powerful...and right now, i am juiced up on the universal power that runs through our veins. somehow, it is all connected. of course it is all connected. yes. we are connected. all of us. one.

then i visit the space of silence.

i rock when i rock.

i nurse when i nurse.

i love when i love.

wholly. completely. gratefully. truly.

and all of it becomes me in the interim.